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Comedy Central
Dec 20, 2012 10:00am PST
quote from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." what a good one we have for you tonight. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, alan simpson-- one-third of the singing trio "ashford and simpson and bowles" ( laughter ) you should not get their album. they're not very good. let's begin tonight with america. it's great! and republicans in the united states senate think it's about time america cafta, side it's famed humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world. >> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and opportunity for the rest of the world. >> jon: a beacon of hope. a home beacon, a-- come on, world! follow our leadership. did you hear me, world? come on, follow! ( laughter ) don
Comedy Central
Dec 21, 2012 10:00am PST
& applause] thank you very much, new york. enjoy the rest of your evening. captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about athe
Comedy Central
Dec 4, 2012 11:00pm PST
tonight, new york mets pitcher and recent cy young recipient-- cy young recipient-- r.a. dickey is going to be joining us on the program. (cheers and applause) the man. may be the first guest in the history of this program to be traded while i am talking to him. (laughter) they may just -- they may come in and take him away. (laughter) i think i'll ask him what race he'd like to be. (laughter) somebody asked me that before the show started. (laughter) we were talking before the show started and everybody's got a question and "who would win in a fight, frog or shark?" that kind of thing. someone just said to me "what race would you be if you could be -- i mean, obviously a jew is fine but, i mean -- if you had a chance, i mean, wouldn't you go asian just for a day?" (laughter) (cheers and applause) it's fine. they're nice people! they're casting a benton add and they needed -- it's actually a perfect way to get into a program tonight. we begin with the ongoing negotiations to save our economy or, as we're calling it, cliffpocalypsemageddonacaust. (laughter) our totally solveable budget pr
Comedy Central
Dec 10, 2012 7:30pm PST
. (applause) what a pleasure to have you on the show. congratulations. the cy young award, new york obviously embraces -- (cheers and applause) this tremendous story, this tremendous success i guess my question is "how will the new york mets screw this up?" (laughter) >> i'm hoping to be here, man. i will have it here. >> jon: that would be very nice. we would enjoy that. (applause) it does create a dilemma because when a player such as yourself comes along and has such grand success there is in the back of your mind a feeling of, like, no no, dude, don't win the cy young because if you do they will sell you on the open market. (laughter) you want to be good but not so great. >> well, i've been thankful, i didn't have that thought. i was going for it the whole time. but he's got a job to do, he's paid to make the mets better. i've got to be as professional i can, understand that. >> jon: it must be tremendous pressure to have your name being written about as someone who may have to move. you've got a family, you've got a life. is that a difficult thing to -- >> it's hard. baseball in general
Comedy Central
Dec 10, 2012 11:00pm PST
news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. bishop gene robinson is going to be here a all i know about religion is this: apparently he can only move diagonally. that's a chess move, baby. a bishop chess joke. let me just give you my lunch money now. let's begin tonight in the world of sport. i don't know if anybody here knows this. i happen to enjoy sport. i like watching other people talk about them. i like listening to people on the radio call in to talk about sports. you know what i do with that knowledge? i make can't-miss bets. you know what i do with my winnings? you think i do nice things with them for society? no. i spend all my gambling winnings on the first commercial i see after a game ends. hello, brooklyn lantern. looks like some people won't have to eat pasta again with a flashlight. no! by the way i do want to tell that woman you could have just somebody hold the flashlight. then you co
Comedy Central
Dec 13, 2012 7:30pm PST
? how long have i worked here? >> jon: new york i mean, in the bit, who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. what if you had your wish and being a jew at christmas wasn't weird and all religions were treated the same. >> jon: i don't know, it sounds great. >> these gifts are great. but you know what would be even better? >> 5,000-year tradition connecting me to my ancestors. >> that's what i really wanted for christmas. >> hey, jon. >> after school can we come over your house and help you light the menorah? >> it's a pretty meaningful tradition. okay. you can come. >> [cheering] >> we'll have dreidels and hypoallergenic lat cas. >> jon, do you see how popular you could have been. is that really what you wanted? >> jon: yes. and they're all having pomegranates. >> but jon, your suffering builds character. think of all the survivor skills you developed as a put-upon minority? >> >> jon: like what? >> low self-esteem, self-loathing, the inability to connect emotionally to your fellow man. did you mention self-loathing. >> jon: sure, sure. >> y
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2012 11:00pm PST
cameron ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. denis leary will be on the program, author of the new york, merry [bleep] christmas. am i reading that title correctly? iÑi can only assume it's a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. leary loves crafting. speaking of christmas, you probably are aware by now our nation has been embroiled in a long, bitter war. >> the first salvo in the war on christmas >> the war on christmas jon: war on christmas! not to be confused with gwar on christmas. tremendous christmas album. for years now christmas has been under attack defended by the brave souls at fox news. are they still up to the task? that is the subject of tonight's "war on christmas, friendly fire" edition. let's face facts. the annual fox war on christmas has become a little predictable. basically imagine you can make one up like a make fox news mad libs. le
Comedy Central
Dec 11, 2012 7:30pm PST
the mayor of new york called for an examination of gun laws? >> the body is not even out of the theater before he started to jump into this debate. i think there is some level of political protocol that you need to have in a tragedy like this where you wait. be quiet for 24 hours at least. >> jon: that's clearly in that situation it's not where it is being discussed but when. i'm assuming that the venue was good. it's just that the mayor did not obey the common sense waiting period we place on gun... ammmm... conversations. you don't want somebody in an emotional state just shooting off their mouths about guns. it's not just the where and the when of the conversation about guns. it's the who >> is this what you really want to hear at half time? sportscaster bob costas lecturing football fans -- that means you -- about gun control? >> mr. costas, you don't know that much about what you're talking about. stick to the area that you're really smart about which is sports. i wrote a book called shut up and sing. this would be shut up and comment on sports. we're not interested in what bob cos
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2012 11:00pm PST
... ♪ >> from company dee central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got a show for you tonight. going to break the bank. my guest tonight, right here on this stage, should i say a certain boss from new jersey? (cheers and applause) not that one. governor chris christie. huh? he's the boss. (applause) the other boss. folks, we've been so wrapped up here in this country with our election, our fiscal cliff, our inattention to events in egypt and syria that we forget there are important international stories that deserve our focus. and then there's this one. >> yes, exciting the british royalty is expanding am will and kate with preggers. >> see that, it's a royal baby bump, what a joy to be here on this day of celebration. >> there's the picture on the times, we're expecting. and then i love this one, kate's expectations. (applause) >> jon: not bad. kind of obvious, i mean if you want to go with pregnancy puns based on british li
Comedy Central
Dec 13, 2012 11:00pm PST
next summer. you guys better hurry it up. because i hear new york is thinking oflyizing this ♪ i now pronounce you-- ♪ ♪ (applause) >> jon: you know what? if we as a culture have no objection to priests singing-- (laughter) what is to stop them from murder? (laughter) we'll be right back. (cs and and applsese >> jon: welcome back. now journalism may be suffering in america but in most america it's flour shalling. wyatt cenac has more in this, his final report. >> reporter: in puerto rico the most popular television show is called superxlucido starring la comai and it's a a news program. in fact, this juggernaut gets 40% of the puerto rican audience and crushes most other major news networks in the state. though i traveled to san juan to learn their secret. >>> is it just me or is there a weird monster lady right there? >> no, she is a journalist. >> she's a journalist. >> yes, she is. this is like the famous. >> i came here to talk to puerto rico's most trusted journalist. >> yes, people get if yous from me. >> this is a puppet. >> it's a lady. >> i don't understand how your jou
Search Results 0 to 42 of about 43 (some duplicates have been removed)